DELETE!
by SawManiac211
Summary: The Cybermen have discovered an ordinary laptop floating in the middle of deep space. However the content within - concerning Rory and Amy - is very un-normal indeed...rated T for odd recorded material, usage of sonic screwdrivers and cyber/dalek-swearing
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do** **not own Doctor Who or any of the actors involved...I DO however have possession of a sick, weird but wonderful imagination. Enjoy (I hope)!**

_The Cybermen found the laptop floating in the middle of deep space. It wasn't quite clear where it had come from – it was definitely human technology and from the tiny fruit logo on its surface it was clearly something important – but it contained traces of the Time Vortex that made it very important indeed. Cyber11120 was dispatched to look at the device, but after half an hour of no communication the CyberLeader dispatched yet another cyber (Cyber11325) – to chase him up. The following comes from the CyberShip's logbook and the security footage, which helps us piece together what happened next..._

"Excrement!" This was the closest a cyberman had come to swearing as Cyber11120 registered the hissing hydraulics of another cyber coming closer. It stabbed frantically at different keys in order to get rid of the images on the screen. "Delete! _Delete!_ DELETE!" Cyber11235 entered the room just as it howled: 'YOU WILL BE DELETED, DAMN YOU!"

"What is the meaning of this outburst?" Cyber11120 turned round, looking strangely sheepish for something with no emotions.

"I have no recollection of any outburst."

"You had strict orders to not delete any information – what is causing this disobedience?" There was a loud groan. Cyber11325 discovered the cause after telling Cyber11120 in no uncertain terms to step aside. "What is this?"

The other cyber replied a little too quickly. "The logo on the front is an Earth-based fruit called an apple. This is an Apple Mac which is all the rage in the human race and accesses meaningless, rather unsociable sites such as Facebook and Twitter."

"Not that. Why are there humans...interacting on this device?"

Cyber11120 shrugged. "It is saved on the hard drive – apparently this is counted as...natural."

"This is not – do you know what this type of mature entertainment is?"

"...Wanking?"

Cyber11325 didn't want to know exactly how it knew this – most likely the Internet. "Negative. It is called porn." Cyber11120 looked blank, but that _was_ what it looked like anyway. It rewound the film back to the beginning and clicked play. "Porn is a recorded exaggerated version of sexual intercourse that is recorded for human entertainment, generally for male use. They consist of various storylines, outfits and props."

"That I can understand," Cyber11120 commented, downloading other images directly into the other cyber's mind. "In all the recorded material the female appears as a medic, a law enforcer, a maiden of French origin..."

"They are not even from the same time frames; do humans have no concept of history?"

"That will be correct. Also the male always wears the uniform of a Roman officer."

Suddenly Cyber11325 had perfect understanding. "Cyber11120, does the female have the orange hair colour known as ginger?"

"Affirmative. That would be correct."

"...Excrement."

"What is the problem?"

"The problem is that you are watching the exaggerated version of sexual intercourse performed and recorded by known companions of the Doctor."

There was a pause as the two other cybers looked at each other silently. "What will be our next course of action?" Cyber11120 asked finally.

"We need to report this to the CyberLeader," Cyber11325 responded, turning to the door. "We may then proceed with a universal form of manipulation known as blackmailing." It was halfway down the corridor when it realised that the other cyber was not following. It sighed and walked back to the room. Cyber11120 was now seated and watching the screen with apparent interest. "What is the problem with my course of action?"

Cyber11120 did not look up at him. "I simply request to be allowed to watch this until the finish."

"Cyber11120, you are testing my patience. In short, you are irritating me."

"Negative. Cybermen have no patience and no need to become irritated. We have no emotion or any other human responses."

"Well you have clearly caused me to have them, which shows how aggravating you are. Now you WILL come with me, or CyberGod help me I WILL be forced to delete you."

Cyber11120 stood. "Very well. But I have one question that needs to be addressed first."

"What is that?"

"What gender are we?"

Cyber11325 stared at it. "We are CyberMEN, surely you know what gender we are!"

"Affirmative, however we do not have female appendages and neither do we have what the male calls his 'ceremonial sword'...if that is the case, then what are we?"

There was a dreadful moment where Cyber11325 realised that for the first time during their brief encounter it was correct about something. It looked down at itself for a moment, and then back at Cyber11120. "That is irrelevant. You will come with me now and we shall never speak of these events again. Affirmative?"

"Affirmative."

As they left however, it downloaded the information and question into the CyberLeader's mind using the Bluetooth device they had recently taken and installed into the circuitry of their ship. Hopefully it would get some answers.

_What followed next it seems was absolute carnage. Cybermen downloaded into other Cybermen in the hope of finding some answers to this new and slightly confusing question, but in vain. Precisely five minutes and three seconds after the first download initiated by Cyber11325 the CyberLeader went mad and consequently its head exploded (It is thought that at that time they were planning an invasion of Earth). Soon after the other cybers – due to the unanswerable question and the fact they were now CyberLeader-less – followed suit. It appears that the cyber known as Cyber11120 commented that the explosions of goo around it reminded him of a key point in the films before it exploded, but it is difficult to tell. The logbook and security footage was ejected from the CyberShip during Emergency Protocol 549 and collected by Torchwood Institute, where since it has been stored in Jack Harkness's personal 'special collection' of evidence. The laptop or 'iMac' and the CyberShip have not been found, and in everyone's interests we hope it never is..._

**I have another chapter involving Daleks if wanted, but I'll leave it at this if no-one wants. Hope you liked!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Due to demand I've decided I'm gonna upload the Dalek chapter of this story. Thanks to driving in my kar, padmay97 and TheCompletelyAddictedBookworm for r&ring so quickly – this chapter goes to you guys! Hope it's as good as the last one.**

_It had seemed like a bit of luck when the Daleks found the abandoned CyberShip. After stripping it of its Bluetooth and looking for the logbook and security footage (already long gone and extensively used by Jack Harkness) they began searching the ship for new technology to use in their planned invasion of Earth. So when Dalek7941 discovered the iMac, it was like a bad case of déjà-vu, only the results were very slightly different..._

_**"I have a question."**_

"Excrement!" Dalek9816 swore as for the 27th time his little red car was sent over the edge of a giant mushroom. It was occurring to it that a sucker stalk which moved erratically was a very big design fault – that is, when it came down to playing the irritating Mariocart on the games device called the Wii.

_**"I HAVE A QUESTION."**_

Dalek9816 saw red and shot the offending Wii before turning its eyestalk to glare at the other dalek. "Is this crucial to our mission?"

_**"No."**_

_**"Then please shut up."**_

As it began to turn away again however, Dalek7941 spoke up again. _**"How many tentacles do we have?"**_

Dalek9816 sighed. Out of all the things that were wrong with the Cybermen, they had got at least one thing right: the absence of all emotions, especially irritation. _**"Fifteen. They are needed for keeping us stable in our metal casing and control our movement within it."**_

_**"What about the other one?"**_

There was a pause. **_"What other one?"_** Dalek9816 asked. Dalek7941 opened its casing, revealing the confused-looking dalek creature within.

**"I am confused." It said.**

**"Daleks do not become confused – humans are confused, Charlie Sheen is confused, daleks remain totally unfazed by – what on Skaro is that?"**

In some respects, Dalek9816 was correct. Dalek7941 _did_ have fifteen tentacles and all of them in perfectly good condition for a creature which lived in the dark for the whole of its existence. The appearance of a new tentacle however, sticking nearly vertically upright, was a definite cause for confusion.

Cautiously, Dalek9816 moved forward and poked it with its gun stalk. _**"What in the name of Davros were you doing when this happened?"**_

_**"I was watching interesting footage on an electronic device called an iMac. It – "**_

_**"You have no need to explain! Daleks have supreme intelligence; if we can implant the deadly JustinBieber916 into the human race without suspicion then we can surely work all technology."**_ It deliberately did not look at the Wii and Dalek7941 did not point it out as an argument. _**"Now take me to this footage."**_

Minutes later the two daleks were staring hard at the screen. _**"Do you understand what this is?"**_

_**"Of course I do!"**_ Dalek7941 said arrogantly. _**"As you said, daleks have extreme intelligence...it's...umm...ahh..."**_ Dalek9816 would've tapped its foot impatiently if it'd had that appendage as it waited for an answer. At last Dalek7941 admitted defeat. _**"What is it?"**_

_**"It is generally known as porn."**_

_**"Yes, I understand that concept...but aren't they the known companions of the Doctor?"**_

_**"Yes: the female's ginger hair means that no data scanning is required. Although..."**_ Dalek9816 looked down again at the still upright tentacle. _**"What exactly was the use of this appendage? Daleks have no use of sexual reproduction, so what possessed Davros to add this in?"**_

_**"I don't know," Dalek7941 commented. "For a laugh, perhaps?"**_

_**"DALEKS HAVE NO CONCEPT OF LAUGHS OR ANY KIND OF HUMOUR!"**_ Dalek9816 raged. _**"Also, what was the use of the different colouring of our cases? We are being mocked as the stupid children's TV programme Tellytubbies!"**_

_**"I don't think Wikipedia will have the answer to those questions...but I do understand your point: I have a feeling that orange makes me look fat..."**_

_**"DALEKS HAVE NO CONCEPT OF LOOKS!"**_

_**"...We really need to lighten up, don't we?"**_

Dalek9816 almost saw red again – although that may have just been its casing reflecting off the metal wall – but at that moment it spotted something. _**"There is a hidden file on this device."**_ It gave a scornful laugh as it used its sucker stalk to open the file. _**"You see Dalek7941? The Cybermen have limited intelligence, which is why they could not use this for their own advanta – WHAT ON SKARO?"**_

The screen in front of them showed a skinny man with brown floppy hair and a slightly bulkier man with platinum hair cut short in a...compromising position to say the least. No data scanning was needed here either; it was plain to both daleks that they were the last two Time Lords in existence...only here they didn't seem to be quite so unfriendly towards each other.

_**"ERROR! ERROR!"**_ Dalek7941 squawked as its gun began randomly firing.

_**"What are you doing? Desist! Desist!"**_ Dalek9816 screeched as it narrowly dodged a blast.

_**"Impossible! The sixteenth tentacle cannot be controlled!"**_

As the other dalek dodged another blast, it accidentally hit the send button on the iMac. Immediately the Bluetooth device kicked in, and...well...

_**"Excrement!"**_ Dalek9816 groaned as all hell broke loose.

_It would be safe to assume that after three minutes of intense gunfire the logbook and security footage was dispelled from the ship seconds before it self-imploded, taking with it the CyberShip and the iMac which had caused all the problems in the first place. Once again the footage was recovered and 'privately stored' by Jack Harkness. However this time, it didn't stay private for long..._

"What the – " The Doctor didn't know where to look. He straightened his bow tie, cleared his throat several times and then glared up at Rory and Amy, who were giggling childishly. "Oh shut up, there's some pretty unsavoury stuff with you two in it on here too – Rory, you could've at _least_ changed costume once or twice!"

"Sorry," Rory sniggered. "But I think yours was slightly worse, to be honest. Talk about high usage of sonic screwdrivers."

"But, I, ugh, just shut up...And his was a laser, anyway."

"Oh, Doctor!" Amy cackled. "You naughty, naughty boy!"

"Tea, Doctor?" Jack Harkness's face went white as all three of them turned their heads to glare at him as he entered the room. "I told you not to go through my private files!"

"I think," The Doctor muttered. "I'm glad I did – imagine if any of it managed to get onto YouTube..."

Jack tried to keep a straight face. "I'm so sorry...why don't I get you some jammy dodgers with the tea?"

"And a fez, don't forget the fez."

"Alright...Rory, Amy, go fetch."

Rory and Amy looked horrified. "WHAT?"

The Doctor waved a hand. "Go on, shoo."

After the two left, Jack met the Doctor's eye thoughtfully. "You think you could show me how your sonic screwdriver works?"

"Fine, fine, but no cameras and make it quick – the co-op's only round the corner."

**Rating may have changed a little bit...if you think this was odd, I think my friend wants to write the tapes...**


End file.
